ummm.

I just saw this picture on facebook with the caption "The Giant Napkin" posted above it.


i'm really confused.


THE GIANT NAPKIN


hahahahahahaha.

reoccuring dreams. i'm not sure what this means.

So.

I have had both the dreams you are about to read before, the first one is the same scenario and situation, with a few possible differences in minute details. The second dream however, is the same setting, but a different situation...and the weirdest part of the whole thing being that I realized this IN THE DREAM, and relayed the information to my counterparts in the dream, and their reaction was strange.

alright. First Dream...entitled:

Child Beater Makes a Ninja's Escape

I'm galavanting (I do this alot...i'm aware, thank you) around the property of this large modern mansion home...i'm in the woods with some friends, and these two punk bitch children show up...

think woods with random pastures, but the pastures are hard dirt and dead trees...

so i'm in one of these "pastures" next to a large dead weeping willow tree...and one of the punk bitches attempts to attack me in some manner (not quite sure I remember) with a branch. Apparently, I felt that his attack was life-threating, because I took a much heavier, thicker branch and proceeded to BEAT THE SHIT of the child...this kid was MAYBE 9 or 10, but talked a big game, so I felt it necessary to reciprocate in such a manner.

So yes, I bludgeon the child, and then leave and go back to the house.

somehow (magically, I think), the kid has already been brought back to the house, and apparently hanging onto life by a thread. The people in the house are not very happy with me. I begin to feel like my life is in danger (for some reason) and i'm not sure if this were the case, but I begin to evade them at all costs, in one of those jumping climbing ninja shit manners like those "extreme walking" people. do you know what i'm talking about?

if not, watch the madonna video for "jump"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwDjijmCm7U

Anyway, I end up doing ninja jumps and slithers out the front door, and through the front yard, which is very labrinyth-esque (and it's a giant hill with the house at the bottom) all the way to the crest of the hill, and turn and look at the house.

then I wake up.

simple, to the point, only downside is I felt a little bad for beating the shit out of a nine year old.

just a little.

alright...moving on.

I Feel Like Showing You My Penis Right Now

like that title? I do.

So i'm washing dishes at a restaurant, yet i'm not sure what kind of restaurant...I remember that the way I washed dishes was a fire hose undearneath the dish trays, and I put a box on top of it. Extremely ridiculous, I know.

So I leave with a fellow employee (male) and we get in his car, not unlike a '66 corvette...sans doors.

i'm sitting in the back (so apparently, it's a four door version of corvette, which does not exist) playing guitar, and I write a song (which I remember and play when I awake) and he begins driving erractically, and i'm almost thrown out of the car, because there are no doors (remember?). So I say "Dude, i'm falling out" and he responds "God when you say that I feel like showing you my penis"

what?

no, really.

then he says "actually, I feel like showing you my penis right now"

whoa. pump the brakes.

So, I feel that this dream stems from the homoertic mannerisms of my johnny's pizza coworkers, because they all have this touchy-feely nipple-rubbing ass-grabbing mentality, that has apparently now infiltrated my dream world.

So, in true johnny's fashion, he never actually shows me his penis.

moving along, we all of a sudden are driving through east cobb, down post oak tritt road.

again, in sudden fashion, my coworker friend turns into Kevin Barkley, a former childhood friend. I have not spoken with Kevin Barkley since grade school, even though we attended the same schools and had many classes together through high school.

Anyhow, we pull into this large apartment complex on top of a hill overlooking a city...the view was beautiful. As we are pulling up to his building, I say "Hey...i've been here before...one of my friends lives here..."

"oh, cool"

some response...little did I know, he was the person I knew that lived there...

so, we go into his apartment, and it's strikingly similar, yet I think nothing of it...I meet his roommate, some girl who I don't recognize...I ask to use the computer. The computer is frustrating, every button you THINK would do something it SHOULD does something else...for instance, where the start button is on a windows interface, actually opens some dating service program.

what?

Another button open some video program, and a video of Kevin starts playing, and he says "whats up niggasssssssss" and does the classic "A-town down". I laugh for a second, but my ultimate reaction is a frown.

I get frustrated with the computer, and walk away from it bitching...and then it hits me.

I've been here before.

This apartment is a long room, like 100 feet? It has divider walls that stick out a couple of feet from the sides of the room, and those are every 10-20 feet or so...it varies. HOWEVER, the distance the divider walls come out differ from front to back, as well as the floor elevations...there are steps up, and then steps back down, and then steps up, and steps WAY down, ending at the back WAY up high. it's crazy...and from the outside, the apartment looked about 30 feet long...so in my head, I began thinking that the apartment had some sort of magical shrinking action that happened once you entered the room...this is hard to explain.

I start recognizing furniture, like a circular chair, that has an X of arms in the center, so it's four chairs... make sense? It had mahogany wood legs and arms, with bright orange cushions...anyhow, enough about the furniture.

I turn to Kevin, his roommate, and her friend, and say "I've been here before"

They look at each other, puzzled.

Then I remember...we did alot of coke here, partied all night, blah blah blah (yet luckily I never got on that computer the previous time, because I would have been PISSED)...so I say "We stayed up all night and got WASTED" and then proceed to go into detail about the evening, and as I do, they're eyebrows go up, and they begin to smile from ear to ear.

then I wake up.

It was really weird to remember a previous dream DURING a dream. I've never had that happen before.

SERIOUS tuna salad.

ahem.

2 cans of tuna, strained. (preferably in spring water...vegetable oil is gross)...give strained tuna water and a few bits of tuna to a cat...it's good for their coat.
1/4 green pepper, diced.
1 small white onion, diced.
2-3 kosher dill pickles, thinly sliced.
8-10 sweet petite pickles, thinly sliced.
1/4 head of iceberg/romaine lettuce, sliced into 3/4 inch strips.
1 rounded teaspoon season all seasoned salt
1 rounded teaspoon iodized salt
1 rounded tablespoon black pepper
3 tablespoons of MOTHERFUCKIN' miracle whip.

combine and throughly mix all ingredients in large mixing bowl.

when mixed, take a fork, grab a bite, and eat it.

then say "man, that's serious."

wasn't that good?

I want new clothes.

so...I had a dream.

I was at Costco of all places, and they had a "hipster" clothing section if you will...as in solid colored v-neck shirts in about ten colors, corduroys that had some bit of a flare/bootcut to them, and long sleeve thermals with prison stripes on them, in about ten colors as well. Needless to say, I wanted all of them.

So, I'm shopping, going through sizes and climbing on shit to get stuff from the top (if you've been to Costco, you know what i'm talking about) and Drew Haddon walks up to me...we make small talk, and then this gentleman named "John-Henry", whom is actually friends with my friend Alex Allen, and not Drew, walks up with three friends, all wearing ski masks. I ask Drew what's going on, and he informs me that John-Henry's name right now is "Adam Brockman" and that he might go to jail for what he is about to do. whatever. I continue shopping.

I few moments later, I hear someone saying "no, don't use that ladder, that's for employees only, use this four foot ladder" followed by a chuckle...then, I look up and to my left where the delicatessen section is (it's about a hundred feet from me), but I can see it clearly, looks like some sort of bomb/explosion went off, the metal tables are all askew and upside down, and shit is burning. The best part of it, however, was that people were running over TOWARDS it, because I suppose the frozen meats and what have you were all COOKED now, thanks to the bomb/explosion. I laugh, say "go get it fatties" to myself, and continue shopping.

I realize that these pants may be sized weird, and a 32 may not fit me, so I do the "around-the-neck" test with the waist of the pants, and they seem that they may be a little tight. So i'm digging in the pile of cords for a 33, when I notice my co-worker Loren, nicknamed "Skud" (I still have yet to understand that) is digging in the other end of the pile of cords...I say "ohhhh my, we are going to be wearing the same pants....ohhhhhhhh my body", and then I notice the ski-masked friends and John-Henry/Adam Brockman being walked out the exit (to my left, also a hundred feet or more), and people are running around in a pandemonium-esque manner, although for some reason, it doesn't really phase me, other than making me chuckle a bit...I continue shopping, and move my purchases to the checkout(literally EVERYTHING from the aforementioned "hipster" section) and upon such, my total is $987.00.

SHIT.

I notice on the cashier's screen, that there is a little picture of every garment with the price below it, and i'm preparing to start pointing at things to remove from my purchase, when I look to my left out the exit, and notice that the handcuffed gentleman and Mr. Brockman are being put onto a giant beautiful tour bus. crazy.

and then I wake up.

I suppose it wouldn't be hipster clothing unless it cost SO MUCH MONEY for colored cotton.

retarded.

whut whut in the butt.

yeah.

so this hotel job really, really sucks.

I broke the room card maker today...and then I fixed it...but oops.

terminator 3 is on AMC tonight...and that, unfortunately, shall be the highlight of my day, aside from the joint i'm about to roll...whut whut.

I got more rhymes than the winans got family.

fuckin' right.

wonderful pizzaland sprinkled with drugs!

I love working at Johnny's Pizza.

I can do AND eat whatever I want.

whatEVER.

Tonight, I did this:

Got in to work, and immediately went outside to have a cigarette and small talk with my boss...we made fun of his stupid girlfriend who is "fat and stupid".

It's true. she sits around and plays playstation all day.

FAT and STUPID.

but not playstation, just her. playstation is awesome.

ANYWAY, f0llowing my post-clock-in party, I put "Live On Other Planets" by Supergrass in the big pimpin boombox (it's actually a small piece of shit that distorts more than booms)...I proceeded to wash a few dishes, and sing like a baby (not really...I just have a beautiful baby voice. oh, you know...) for roughly fifteen minutes, enjoying every minute of my life.

Then, I got tired of washing dishes, so I made a salad.

A DELICIOUS salad with tomatoes, mushrooms, cucumbers, onions, pepperoncini, salt, pepper, parmesan, mozzarella and ranch dressing.

I call it "suburban delight"...it's delicious (like I said).

THEN, I washed the occasional dish and sang (with my beautiful baby voice) for the rest of the night, whilst listening to Roxy Music's Self titled album, Elefant's "Sunlight Makes Me Paranoid" and finishing off with Iggy Pop's "Lust For Life". then I took out the empty beer kegs and garbage, to find the General Manager and Adam (The Dude) smokin a blunt by the garbage.

I love my job.

I finished off my shift with a two-beers-for-mopping-the-kitchen trade with the GM.

I clocked out at 9:20, with ten minutes to spare before my parents arrived...I chugged the rest of my second beer and smoked a cigarette, slumped over in an outside patio chair, enjoying being temporarily high/intoxicated.

Ah these moments of bliss that were so few and far between now come ever so frequently.

I love you Johnny's Pizza...touch my penis and let's be friends!

haha wheee!

So, now i'm high, but instead of watching Halloween, i'm posting a blog.

Why?

...because my father and stepmother are watching a "preview" video of the children's play they are about to videotape tomorrow...the play is called "on the radio", so the name leads me to believe that the theme song for the play would be Donna Summer's "On the Radio."

Terrible.

and now I am on the phone....

....I was on the phone with Sheena for two hours...I am happy...happy like...

...LIKE EROTIC ANGELS FUCKING THE STARS!!!!!!!!!!!

so now watch constantine? who knows.

Don't get me wrong...I do love "On the Radio", as well as Donna Summers for that matter..."I Feel Love" is a classic...it was one of the first songs to effectively using stereo panning on a record...

but anyhow, the problem lies with the children. I hate children's voices more than ANYTHING, so the idea of a large group of 2nd and 3rd grade BITCHES, SCREAMING THE WORDS to a Donna Summer song just REALLY hurts my feelings...I'm sure it's very close to the sound of HELL.

AND SPEAKING OF HELL, i've gotten COMPLETELY off the main topic at hand...I cannot watch HALLOWEEN because my father says he doesn't "watch those kinds of movies in his house" WhATT?

again, terrible.

He'd rather watch "The Hunt for Red October" are you KIDDING ME wtf.

...i'm going to smoke the rest of this doob.

yeah I fuckin' said doob.

i'll be back sometime.

until then.

later.

wheeee

today, i'm getting high and watching halloween.

the end.

last night's dream.

so.

are you excited???

hahaha.

SO myself and some of my friends, as well as other people I didn't know/care about were galavanting around this giant lake...it had many inlets and even sections that were completely seperated by land...

none of us had a boat, so when we found one...we'd take it. However, don't think large Yacht style boats...more like fishing boats or canoes, with 15 people crammed in it, all drunk and giggly.

So at some point in the dream, people start dying (of course...when there's too much fun going on, that means someone is about to die). It's some group of madmen that are trying to kill us, but they have the ability to breath under water (like harry potter), so if you get in the water, they pull you down, and then kill you...I was only slightly scared.

So we are running away, stolen boat after stolen boat, we'd run upon land, run across this heavily wooded section, and back into another pond/lake of some sort, steal a boat, and across the lake again, stop at some inter-lake boat house thing, run in circles around that for a bit, and each time some straggler gets caught and killed (the whole time, the only people dying are the people I don't know.care about, which is wonderful). Imagine guts, but instead of the agro crag, it's woods and lakes...however very obstacle course-esque..I believe I was giggling most of the time I was running...

The last piece of ground we run upon is some sort of village, although it looks like the renaissance festival, with large wooden panel fences, and the huts had beach towels draped EVERYWHERE...it was like driving by the windows of a "wings" (if you're from florida, or have been there, you know what i'm talking about..everyone else can suck it)...So I run through the huts, and pass this JACUZZI TUB full of old people on my left, and immediately in front of me is this carnival-esque wall, withs cages of King Crab (what?), spiders, and some other animal shit...anyhow, the bad guy chasing me had a chainsaw (just my luck), so I hide behind the spider cage (it had a cork wall backing...) and when he runs up to it, I push it over. He drops the chainsaw, and JUMPS from the spiders (as I would, except they were crawling towards him)...and I grab the chainsaw, and as I'm about to kill a bitch, I turn to see that one of the King Crab had grabbed him up into their cage (I don't know how this happened) and he's being STABBED TO DEATH by the crab legs...OH...

So a slight modification on the king crab...imagine a giant spider with king crab legs...ever seen a spider spin a cocoon around their prey? They get all their legs crumpled together, like if you touch all the fingers on one hand together (try it!!). so it was like that, and the legs squeezing around him, spinning him around and STABBING him every touch of a claw. It's hard to explain, but I assure you it was amazing...at the end, blood was pouring out of the cage (hee hee hee).

So I ran through the hut village, SLICIN and DICIN the bad guys, and a few of the people I didn't know/care about just for grins.

then I woke up.

TITTILATING.

I found this today.

and this.

I also came up with the next song for "erotic angelz"...it's called "INTERGALACTIC TAMPON" and is an ode to Donovan...it's Sheena star number.

ultimate rugby faggot

Last night, my dream involved a mideval magical fairyland, where the giant bulky men on horses were chasing me, and soon after the chase began, it turned into a game of rugby in this GIANT hilly field in the midst of this mideval forest?

amazing.

I was kicking the opposing team's ass, and running between and around them with the ball, shouting "oooh faggot's gonna beat you" or "you're getting beat by a faaag-got" in a juvenile antagonistic sort of manner.

needless to say, I won, and then sat with the LOSING team's captain, in his quarters, which were, strangely enough, a laundry room...I was sitting in the doorway, and he was laying down, and he began to tell me how amazingly good I was, to which of course I said "no stop...no don't"

And then he began to get ready for bed, and he had the exact same pair of black american apparel boxer briefs that I own. hot...then he stared at my crotchel region for roughly two minutes, and then said "i'm going to bed" upon which I huffed, and walked off.

I woke up and I was wearing the same underwear.

silly.

the most excellent dream upon many more excellent dreams

so. this was my dream on the eve of september five, paraphrased, of course.

I was at some shanty-looking house in the middle of nowhere (or so I thought)...there was a lovely beach vista outback.

The house was filled with oodles of vintage furniture, all of which I loved, and my father was this large clean-shaven fat man, who looked more like the guy that played "dallas" in the movie "robot jox" than my actual father.

SOO, at some point in the dream, we went shopping, and I could have WHATEVER I WANTED...thus I got alot of things, but I distinctly remember my favorite purchase, a pair of white knee-high roller skates, with light blue poofs on the toes.

anywho, the dream progresses to the end point, where i'm digging furiously in a drawer underneath the television in the house, looking for in particular "pink" and "yellow" pop ice (if you like pop-ice, you know what i'm talking about), because my father (who didn't look like my father) is coming to kill me, or beat me severly...the lights aren't working in the room, except for a shitty lamp, which I grab and attempt to remove the lampshade. In doing so, the lightbulb comes out as well. Annoyed, and still rushed, I screw the bulb back in, sans lamp shade, and dig through countless green and orange pop-ice, until I find three pink, and one yellow (I quite fine ratio by me).

So I've found the pop-ice, put my roller skates on, and made a run for the lightly-wooded area adjacent to the house...and here comes fatty outside after me, although i've had a head start. I'm hiding behind a tree that i'm thinking isn't wide enough to hide my roller skates..but I move left and right around the tree as the "father figure" comes out into the woods looking for me yelling "devin...DEVIN...i'm gonna find you..deeeeevin". he comes right to the other side of the tree, but I keeping moving around it, staying hidden...in a line-of-sight sort of way....and thankfully he gives up and starts walking towards the house. phew.

The whole walk to the house, he's muttering some sort of grandios bullshit about how "i'm nothing without [him]" and blah blah blah. I make a run further down this hill, where I can just peer over to see what he is doing...and thus I see him mounting a cow (what?) and riding the cow full speed towards a set of trees...and then he ends his own life, purposefully, by jumping from the cow and breaking his neck on one of the trees.

I turn around, have a nice casual walk towards the beach (mind you, i'm walking in my head, but actually wearing roller skates), I pass the house swimming pool, which is filled with all the vintage furniture from the house...bobbing about in the pool. (also, the swimming pool sits atop a ridge that has the spectacular ocean view, and there is a large hundred or-more colorful brick staircase down to the beach)..so I casually pass by the pool thinking "oh what lovely furniture" when I remember "i've got a 40bag in my pocket!, I hope it's not wet"...and thus, it isn't. sweet love.

So I proceed down the staircase to the beach, where two chaise-style beach stairs are setup...and in one sits Elijah (for those who don't know, my songwriting partner, lead singer of the gates of berlin and constellations) with a ridiculously giant glass filled with fruity alcohol goodness, and the other seat is empty, for me. With the same ridiculously giant drink on the table adjacent my seat, I have a sit and start sucking profusely through the over-sized bendy straw, and to my delight, it tastes strangely like alcoholic pop-ice.

So we're sitting enjoying a good sunburn, when out of nowhere comes a cruise ship, very titanic-esque...but it's full of shouting mad people, from what I can hear...they're yelling "shark, shark!" I look closer to see two sharks galavanting about the deck, eating people left and right, and then rather quickly, the ship capsizes and sinks.

HAHAHA.

A few of the survivors (i'd say about ten to fifteen) come upon shore, gather their things, and one politely asks me (smiling, mind you) where the nearest gas station is...to which I point down the beach to my right, although now the beach is a large sidewalk, and the ocean amazingly now has turned into a giant cul-de-sac with a palm tree median stretching down the middle of it. so it goes.

All of them follow single file (very jolly for victims of a ship-sinking shark-attack, I thought) down the sidewalk (which used to be the beach), exempt for one straggler, a british fellow with bad sunglasses and messy blond hair, who notices the 40bag in my hand, and says:

"might I have a bit, I mean, I noticed you seem to have plenty of fun on your hands already" (pointing to my roller skates).

me:

"yeah, I suppose I do, don't I?"

we share a little chuckle..and then I respond:

"no, you can't"

Elijah and I look at each other, have what I like to call a big "Harvard Laugh" (a Harvard Laugh is a snide, pompous chuckle that makes the receiving party want to hit somebody) and the man slumps away, displeased.

then, I wake up. giggling.

the end.


I suppose that's what you get for watching rare outtakes of "This Is Spinal Tap" for three hours before bed.

the new album.

I'm very happy about it...I think i'll call it "why does everything have to be so easy"

And then I will take over the world, one brothel at a time.

yep.
deu-deu out.

pretty pictures for pretty babies.

these pictures are pretty and I love them. the first was taken by myself, and the latter by my good friend Alex Allen...the end!

today, I became a blagger.

Isn't this EXCITING??? Now sheena and I can link our blogs, and maybe then I will think of something to put here. deu-deu out.